Here I am, sitting in the corner of my bedroom, wine on the night stand, finally getting 30 minutes to myself. I haven't been able to nurture my little blog like I would want to lately, but since I have the time - here I am.
Today was really hard. The kind of day when you question if you are a good mom. Maybe not because of a specific incident, maybe because your three-nager says "Go away! You're a bad mom!!!"
Knife to the heart, folks. Usually I can navigate the hunger and the fatigue of a tiny person, but today, I just lost it. Somewhere between lunch and dinner, I just fell into tears. To plunge the knife a smidge deeper, my son asks "are you upset because you hurt my feelings?"
Please just give me a second to get to grips with this day. The day that started at 4:30 and was a complete and utter shit show until your nap at noon. You only ate gumballs this morning. Mom's fault? Probably. Shouldn't have had them at eye level when you woke up in the pitch black middle of the night. Empty fridge? Definitely mom's fault. No red free balloons at the grocery? That's a double win because not only did my child whine through every aisle, every other woman there (sans my friend Erin, hi Erin!!) gave me dirty looks.
Can I just plop in a side note here? Nothing heats me up worse than judgey folk at the grocery store. I'm just trying to take my tired tail to buy some nutritious food for my family and deal with two overly tired babies in the meantime. Yes, I tried to get them to nap on the way. Yes, I got the "car cart" and hit up the snack aisle first thing. I tried. I really tried to keep it together. So the last thing I need is a noticeable eye roll in the Goldfish aisle. Usually my kids are angels at the supermarket. But today they weren't. Thank goodness for the kind strangers in the past who've passed by and said "that was my daughter yesterday! You got this mama" or "I can't even keep my kids in the cart!" I've held on to those random words of kindness. Today was the day I needed them. If you don't have children to take to the grocery three times a week (we buy a lot of fruit and veg) maybe you haven't been there. But maybe you have. Mama, I feel you. That was my kid today.
I know my son really can't handle sweets. He can't stop when he gets started, and he's such a terror when he doesn't get it after the sugar train rolls into town. We had a gumball machine as a potty training incentive, but as of 9:05 this morning, it's been trashed. I could barely deal with my husband getting to sleep in and getting to be in the bathroom alone this morning, as I walked out the door I yelled "GET RID OF ALL OF THE C-A-N-D-Y BEFORE YOU LEAVE!!!"
So the long and short of it - the day got better. I finally got the kids to eat some real food, I got to have a big lunch and everyone under 4 got a nap. We drove to the garden nursery and adopted a bunch of new plants. I made a dinner that was big enough for six and didn't leave any leftovers. Today wasn't all that bad. But in the thick of it, it was thick. And the thing about being a parent, especially the full time stay at home parent, is that sometimes you just have to get through it and move on.
Plus me and Felix made up.
Honey what is it?
....I love you.