52 Thoughts | Honestly


Note: I originally posted this on Wednesday night, and shortly thereafter made it private. The link stayed in some feeds, so on Thursday I deleted it. Then I thought about a little more, realized some people might be in the same boat and appreciate they aren’t the only ones, so I decided I wanted to share it after all. 

Today the sun came out for what seems like the first time in a week, and just as we’ve been under clouds weather wise, I’ve been in an emotional funk. I don’t even know if I can say I’m out of it, but here’s how I’ve been feeling lately. 

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve been incredibly jealous of my peers. This pregnancy has been difficult on my body, but also very much so on my mind and emotions. I’ve felt blah, which makes me not want to socialize, which in turns leads me to feeling lonely, so I go online, only to believe that everyone else is having more fun, wearing better clothes, drinking better coffee, gaining more clients, etc. And what’s really sick is that I know I’m doing it and I know that it makes me feel bad about myself! I’m aiming to fix this by a) not getting online as often and b) identifying what kind of interactions bring me joy and narrowing down my attention to those people and comments. I know life is good. I know my life is good, so no need torture myself by being jealous of other people’s achievements! No one is posting that stuff to make other people feel bad (right?! oh god, I hope not at least!) 

Perhaps it’s part of the pregnant body’s chemistry, but I’m also really irritated, moody and defensive! When combined, this make me feel like a huge jerk! I have been an impatient parent with my son and snippy with my husband. Thankfully, those guys love me and put up with it. I hope being aware of being such a turd helps me to not be a turd. 

I’ve also come to realize that when my mood is low, I have a very hard time feeling creative, which is vital to my daily happiness. Chicken and egg, right? If I don’t do something artistic, I feel unproductive which adds to feeling depressed. Again - blah! This makes it especially challenging to produce content for the blog that I’m proud of. When I don’t want to get dressed, get inspired, write or share, it makes me wonder why I keep up with this at all. (It’s because I do love it, at least when I’m in the right state of mind)

Finally - as I mentioned above - I know that a lot of these things are tied with a mild depression that’s related to my pregnancy and how my hormones changing. I say mild because there are some measures I can take that do make me feel better, and I work towards those. I also have days when it doesn’t feel mild. It feels like I’m drowning in my own tears. On those days, there’s no amount of gratitude or exercise or fresh air or toddler kisses that can fix things. Those are just blah days. Blah days that are a chemical and hormonal disruption in my brain. I’m glad I can see that and understand it to some degree, although I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone else.

I’ve been reading online that a lot of people have felt like the atmospheric pressure (spiritually speaking!) has been pushing down on us. Are we all going through one big collective blah? I don’t know! So anyways, that’s how I’ve honestly been feeling lately. Please don’t judge or lecture me (or if you have the urge, keep it to yo self). I’m not going to put this up on instagram or facebook and I’m not asking for comments or a pity party. I just felt like I wanted to get it all off my chest and doing it has really made me feel a lot lighter. And please don’t mistake sadness for a lack of gratitude. It’s a common misconception that when you feel like this, you can just flip a switch and count your blessings and everything will perk up. Those things can help, but it’s akin to telling an asthmatic to just take a deep breath. It’s all part of a process and it’s different for every. single. person. working through it. 

To end on a higher note - one good thing that’s made me so happy (and given me chills every time I hear or read it), is this poem, which has been on an Apple commericial during the Olympics (my favorite lines: In minor ways we differ, in major we’re the same). Here’s to tomorrow’s happiness, my friends. 

Human Family by Maya Angelou

I note the obvious differences
in the human family.
Some of us are serious,
some thrive on comedy.

Some declare their lives are lived
as true profundity,
and others claim they really live
the real reality.

The variety of our skin tones
can confuse, bemuse, delight,
brown and pink and beige and purple,
tan and blue and white.

I’ve sailed upon the seven seas
and stopped in every land,
I’ve seen the wonders of the world
not yet one common man.

I know ten thousand women
called Jane and Mary Jane,
but I’ve not seen any two
who really were the same.

Mirror twins are different
although their features jibe,
and lovers think quite different thoughts
while lying side by side.

We love and lose in China,
we weep on England’s moors,
and laugh and moan in Guinea,
and thrive on Spanish shores.

We seek success in Finland,
are born and die in Maine.
In minor ways we differ,
in major we’re the same.

I note the obvious differences
between each sort and type,
but we are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.

We are more alike, my friends,
than we are unalike.