The Edge of Everything

Old Jess

Old Jess photo from 2009. 

You know when you can feel yourself on the cusp of a big change? That’s how I feel right now. There are some obvious changes of course - I have a new baby and I’m now the mom of two children. Over the past year my body has gone from not pregnant, to full and round, to recently giving birth and now nursing. The weather is changing. The light shines longer. My newborn is now a baby and my toddler is becoming a kid. Nothing is static.

What I’m feeling now is the same under current of a time from my past. When I’m feeling really good, I correlate it with what I call “old Jessica.”  The hey day of Old Jess was right when I met Adam, I quit my job, started doing WIW full time and got a book deal. Scroll back 830 pages and you’ll see what i mean. In short - the stars were all aligned and things just kept going right

This was also a point in my life of great confidence. It wasn’t just the way I looked (but of course that factors into it!) but gut feeling that I was moving in the right direction. Maybe you’ve felt that way before too? 

Everything is starting to synchronize. And it’s not just “surprise  - here’s a random good thing for you!”, it’s when you expect goodness. It’s bigger than a coincidence. And right now, I feel it! - whatever it is! I feel more whole as a person, I love my husband more deeply, I feel more connected to my children. I take pleasure in the smallest of moments - my daughter’s velvety skin, my son’s pudgy arm, splashing my face with water or laying down to bed under crisp cool sheets. I am awake to the beauty around me. I feel alive. 

With the internal changes I also feel like it’s time to shed some of my skin and by skin I mean the boxes and boxes of clothes I’ve been holding onto for years. I may feel the same energy from the Universe as I did when I was 26, but newsflash, I’m not 26 anymore. I favor jeans over dresses and flats over heels. It’s a mix of utility and comfort, but I’m also ready to reenvision how I see myself on the outside. Also, nothing fits. ;)

There’s a little piece in the back of my mind that says “wait! hold onto that for Bea!” If anything, I’ve got the photos of the clothes and the words that go with them. The garment isn’t the memory, it’s just what I wore when the memory was created. 

Drawer by drawer and hanger by hanger I’m washing and folding and passing things on to make literal new room for new Jess . And it feels pretty amazing.